An Unexceptional Blog

My husband once told a work acquaintance that I didn’t work outside our home (at that time) and the reply he received came with an approving smile: “Ah, as it should be.” 

This response signalled two things. One, that this person wasn’t someone we were going to get closer to, them having betrayed their own misogyny. And two, it meant that there is something about us, or me, that leads people to believe that we would agree with this statement, that makes them comfortable in voicing this kind of opinion around us. People believe, somehow, that we are of the same mindset.

Let me be clear, dear reader: we are not of this mindset. 

From the outside, I can see that we are a traditional-looking family. I can see a few characteristics that might make someone think we might spontaneously give a speech on the importance of staying pure until marriage and the dangers of straying too far from the approved nuclear family template. A bread-winning husband, a wife in long skirts and hip-length hair, two adorable young daughters; this does paint a particular picture. From the outside, one might notice that my husband and I have been together since high school and married young, and so assume that other circumstances or rigid beliefs made us marry in a hurry. From the outside, my long skirts might look like a supposed display of humility and modesty; one could even believe that this attire is prescribed to me by my husband, to ward off competition. From the outside, some could look at our “traditional” way of living and assume that this goes hand-in-hand with a “traditional” culture and sense of morality. 

So, let me tell you what our family is like from the inside. 

I, the wife, work from home. I use my skills with the English language to tutor kids into polishing their own. I am not the main bread-winner, but this is a choice we made as a team, and we are both very happy with the balance we have struck together. We married at 22, after being together for almost 6 years; it doesn’t seem like a quick marriage to me. And no, religion had nothing to do with our decision to marry; my husband was a staunch atheist and I was agnostic at the time (our spiritual journeys have developed since and have included forays into Witchcraft and Buddhism, but that is a story for another time). I wear my long skirts because I like to do so. I like the swish they have and I like the romantic way they make me feel (more on this in this post). 

I concede: the past does inspire us and our way of living. And this inspiration clearly can be perceived of us from the outside. But what is important is what we decide to take from the past. In our case, the past is helping us in finding a sustainable, self-sufficient, and more peaceful way to the future.

Here’s what this can look like: when I am looking for a solution to a problem, I often find myself wondering “How did our ancestors tackle this? Is the solution made by our modern society that much better? And if so, at what cost to the environment and to our communities?” 

While we are looking in the past to mold our future, this is done so with selective attention. Our path to the future has nothing to do with the belief systems, the racism, the sexism, or the nationalism of the past (which, let’s be clear, are very much still in the present). We reject this bigotry and these injustices and leave them firmly behind. We choose only what we want to bring with us. And so, the two main ways the wisdom of the past permeates our lives are as follows. 

First, we look in the past as we learn new hands-on skills that are useful to our everyday lives and were central to the lives of our ancestors. This might seem non-consequential, but our motivations are purely anticapitalist; we won’t need to pay Mr. Bezos (and others like him) for things we need if we can make them ourselves. These new skills include wood working, sewing, gardening, mending/repairing, bread-making, and foraging. It goes without saying that in the honing of each of these skills we recycle what we have, buy exclusively second hand, and use natural and bio-degradable materials (wood, cotton, linen, paper) that won’t end up in a landfill. Also, we are learning each of these new skills through community resources such as the knowledgeable people around us, second hand books and useful guides (particularly in plant identification), and free online tutorials. Knowledge like this should be accessible to everyone, and, was common knowledge only a few decades ago.

And second, a more unseen and internal way the past informs our lives is simply by reminding us to slow things down with intention. The world around us has gotten used to there being mere moments between needing something, finding it online, and it being on its way to you. Often, if you slow down, you’ll notice that this “need” was often only a “want,” or, alternatively, you’ll find something either in your own shed or at the second hand store that — while perhaps not pristine and new — does the trick. This act of slowing down encourages us to connect in a quintessentially “old-fashioned” way, too. Taking tea with your other half, outside, can be an hour long affair without screens or modern distractions, allowing for truly insightful conversation. Also, taking the time to learn about the land on which you live, and build a relationship with it, makes one pleasantly feel part of a sepia photograph (“Ah, the woundworts and clovers are beginning to bloom, it will soon be time to check on the hazelnuts”). 

Yes, we look old-fashioned. Yes, I’ve often been told I even sound “old-timey” in my written and spoken voice. And yes, the general aesthetic of our home confidently screams “Victorian Cottage Academia.” Sometimes I notice I get a strange approving glance from the wrong kind of people. And sometimes a compliment like “Wow! I like the way you dress!” is infuriatingly followed by “It’s not often we see women dressed like they should these days.”

Cover, meet Book. 

Let me, dear reader, put this myth to rest once and for all. Though you might not see this from a first glance at my traditional appearance and way of life, this exact appearance and these methods are, on my part, a direct reflection of my patriarchy-fighting, LGBTQ-supporting, megacorporation-divesting, capitalism-dismantling, Earth-sustaining,  self.